sugar's diary

what is this about?

this is my diary, its my personal website where ill write about my days, feelings, beliefs, etc. ill probably talk about delicate topics like sh, depression, medication and suicide.

ps// this website looks so much better in a computer browser, trust me

photos ive taken

my current state (written in july 22, 2026)

today in 23 of july 2026, im 18 years old. i currently have a couple and a group of friends, but besides all that i feel like my life constantly keeps crumbling away. ive always had problems with looking at the future, planning my life and goals still is very difficult for me, maybe because i stopped seeing a future for me since i was 16. I had an easy plan, i was going to study to be a vet tech, i love animals and biology with all my heart, its one of the few subjects i likes in school, i watched doscumentaries and doesnt stop amazing me. along with that, i was suppossed to move away with my family to study, and turns out my couple would go live nearby at the same time, it was such a good coincidence, i even thought we were made to be together, but its always too good to be true.

plans are not going as expected, we were suppossed to move in june and its july now, no good news have come. i struggled and stressed so hard in planning what to do with my life, and ive been so calm and happy that i finally achieved it, i have friends who i go out with and appears that they like me, i have a good relationship with my family, i have a home, health and money, A COUPLE, yet my OWN life plans keep crumbling away. its crazy to me how it appears i can never be happy, ive overcomed so much and suffered so much, my last breakdown my brain just kept repeating the same thing:

"i dont want to regret not killing myself earlier on, ive tried so hard and done things so well for things to NEVER go as they should, i want my life to be worth it, because in the back of my mind i know i can always end it"

reading ambience

you can also check out the song of the week instead!

how do you see your future, sugar? (july 22, 2026)

i used to see my future in a different town, meeting different people studying the same career as me; vet tech, living in the desert and meeting up with my couple constantly, it was a dream, literally, because it looks like it wont happen.

it stressed me out so bad to find myself in the same situation i was in before in 2023, stressing about my future and looking for career options to study, realizing that nothing that i like was available OR nothing i liked was viable for me to have a good money source, you cant be a creative person in this world without starving to death, specially where i live. so what do i do? i dont want to study something i dont like, my mom keps repeating "this is very important, this is what you will do THE REST OF YOUR LIFE." id rather kill myself, i dont even THINK on studying and working in something that i dont like, i dont like the world we live in, and what can i do about it? nothing lmao

currently ive been interesting in studying medicine, its very fucking long and tiring but i really do enjoy biology, i love the human BODY and hospitals, thinking that i could have the opportunity to face death and see bodies inside would make me happy, not in the edgy type, but the beauty of the human biology. All my life ive only seen humans from outside, their personality, their appearance and how painfully complex our psychology is, but maybe id learn how to love others if i see them from the inside, everyone is the same on the inside, the same beauty nature has been evolutioning to. medicine seems like the longest path, but as long as its something that interests me, its worth it.

what is bothering you? (july 31, 2026)

my body has been so weak and sensitive lately, its worrying my parents, and its making me go crazy. my body is full of bruises (moretones?), with any slight hit ill be all fucked up, i normally wouldnt mind, being totally transparent i even like them, dont ask me why. thats something ive realized about myself that is fucked up, ive always wanted my body to reflect my stress and pain, ever since i started self harming its always been a need, and its such a horrible thing to think... i wanted people to notice my scars, that my hair was falling off or my lack of sleep, maybe it was because i used to be to scared to speak and ask for help, until my parents saw my fresh scars and acted up. im 100% better now, but i dont know why looking so miserable sounds so great to me, maybe its because people would have a reason to look out for me or give me attention? or maybe im just edgy i literally dont know.

if it was onto me i would stay exactly like i am, but i have a nice caring family that does realize that my body isnt getting the nutrients im suppossed to have, and its affecting me, and i understand they are worried about me, im thankful they are. i may go get some analysis this week, i cant wait to get my blood drawn out, any medical procedure is pretty exciting to me since i had my surgery, maybe its just that the staffs obligation is literally to take care of you, its comforting to know how safe you are, and having nurses every hour come and check on you, its nice. the beds are very uncomfortable tho,

im a little worried for myself when i live by myself, ive always thinked that, if my parents didnt notice, or if they didnt care as much as they did, i would keep sh-ing, not because i want to die or hate myself, but truly because of the adrenaline, im not open about this with anyone, but i guess sh became some sort of kink to me at some point, getting hurt and hit just sounds amazing to me. maybe its because my fucking anti depressants lower my libido so much that i need something ELSE to excite me, basic vanilla just doesnt do it for me, and i guess it could be worrying for others to see me with bruises and scars, even tho id be happy just where i am. also i just know 100% my couple wouldnt agree to that at all, which i guess i appreciate? they arent a psycho that wants to hit me, of course they wouldnt want to do that

something ive realized about myself is that i tend to always make things so hard for me, almost as if my unconsious just hated myself. ive always wanted to look exactly the opposite of how i do, i dont understand why i have to make things so hard for myself... im fat and short, my anatomy and genes makes it impossible for me to be skinny, im already at my ideal weight and i look as fat as always, maybe because ive always wanted to be tall and skinny asf, its just impossible, why would i want that???, also im trans, i legit just hate myself, i want to change everything about myself, and why???? i wish i didnt, i wish i didnt want to be the oppossite gender, i wish i didnt want to look like alex consani while looking like the oppossite. i dont know why i do this, i dont know how to stop either.

my body has been on my mind lately, ive been trying to eat healthy but i dont know whats wrong with me, i cant, either i dont eat at all, or i eat like a pig, ive been trying to eat less but i cant, i guess thats good tho? a normal human should eat, just healthy. today ive eaten a sandwich and a cold brew coffee with stevia, its only 2 pm tho, ill probably drink a twisted tea later and eat tacos or smth... ive been a little bummed out because im trying to realize that ill never be skinny the way i want to, and that really does fuck me up for some reason, its something literally impossible EXCEPT if i have a fucking ed, and lets be real, im too fat to even get close to that, plus why would i want an ed, i have enough problems to have another bother to my parents, i dont need more therapy. still, it shakes something in me to see people my same height or age and have the body i absolutely wish for, one of my best friends is even shorter than me, and weighs like 44 kilos, are we so serious rn, id die. she rants to me about not being able to gain weight, and i understand how that can be hard for her, and i comfort her and OF COURSE ill never tell her that id die to have her body, because thats just insensitive, but its always in the back of my mind, i cant bother but being jelous, sorry.

what is was your last dream?

my last dream was pretty chill, I dreamt that I was in this hotel with my friends, we would walk around and see this aquarium with weird fishes and a sea wolf tried breaking the glass so that was scary.. but other than that it was like a hung out with my friends in another universe. I hugged my couple while they showed me pictures they took, and places they went, basically a hangout

current ocs and writing concepts

lately since i participated in art fight ive been working alot more on ocs than before, i consider i have been on an art block for a long time, i drew yes, but i didnt write any stories or have any characters done, but lately i have been able to make some changes to my main story:

when the world ends

this is my first and only series i have been writing so far, i have other ocs but with when the world ends i have been trying to have a coherent and good story, i have been modifying over and over my characters, but ive got to the point i like them, my problem is that i havent worked on FINISHING the story, lets say i have 70% done, but the ending is the most important thing to me, i have an idea of what i want to do but i havent written it down, ive been ignoring and procrastinating that...

my idea with this novel is mostly about the characters, i feel like sadly what is going on in my story isnt really all that, and tbh it has some details that just dont make sense or seem too fantastic, but i try to ignore them until i change them uhhggghh,, my main focus is more on the characters rather than the story, theyre put in such difficult situations, but each one of them react diferently according to their temper, also with either if theyre guilty for their crimes or not.

ive been thinking if i should have more focus on the body horror aspect of my novel, at some point one of the characters experiments with bodies and modifies them around, i like that aspect of the story, actually its why it all happens, but i feel like its not present until the end, maybe i can try implementing these metaphors in the writing and art? idk

vampires ocs (bf & mine)

these are a collection of ocs me and my couple are working on together, we agreed to focus more on two things, my couple handles the fantasy, magic powers and stuff, while i handle the relationship and connection writing between the characters, we kinda focus on toxic relationships between characters, but we only have 2 duos right now... one of my favorite oc designs is yuka, one of the characters :p

animal themed ocs

this has been an idea ive had for a long time, i love animals, its something i realized yesterday, all of the little stories ive written has something to do animals or biology, just a small fact... i havent worked much on these since its the latest ive done, i have two designs done, chimaera and jellyfish, i have no names, maybe theyll be named just like that, idk, but i think theyre very cute, i will work on more like insects or birds, im not sure ill WRITE any lore on them, maybe just have dynamics, inspired by their relationships of the irl animals of course

oc persona

i dont consider this an actual story im writing, its just an oc that i use to vent or just draw gore, i do have a small story but it isnt very complex, i just like the writing of the protagonists current state which is staying in a toxic dynamic, because hes not even in a relationship,, i dont share this oc constantly, but i wanted to add him to art fight because id love seeing fanart of him, and i did!!! i feel like the story is quite controversial, thats why i dont share it, people cant handle eroguro without hating on it, whether you get it or you dont, theres no middle point with guro

art credits to o5x1de on artfight!